Letting Go Of Anger

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” I’m not sure who said this or if it’s even a legitimate quote with an origin… but I do know that it’s something that many need to remember when it comes to interactions with other people.

I often wonder why it’s so easy to be angry with someone. I wonder why it’s easier to place the blame and write them off in our minds. Close the door and lock it, never to see them again. They make one mistake and then that’s it. It’s over and done. Every redeeming quality about them thrown out and paid no attention to. To me, that says more about the society that we live in than the individual.  

Once upon a time, I had a friend who would look up this one girl on social media with the sole intention of making fun of what she had going on in her life. It was a difficult situation, they had been friends for a super long time and it had ended roughly. Obviously my friend at the time didn’t take the ending too well. When the girl blocked her on her personal account she started making fake ones, all with the sole purpose to be able to keep tabs on her. 

I would get screen shots at random points making fun of Instagram pictures and captions. Snarky remarks at lifetime achievements or posts on Tumblr. At first I would laugh with her. The girl and I were never really friends, but we did have some rough patches so I would be like, ‘What the heck… I’ll join in on the laughter’. 

But then a year passed… and then two years… 

It didn’t change. I still got those same texts with the same malicious tones. It had been three years since I had even seen this girl and I got bored of it. For the sake of the friendship with my friend (wow that’s a rough sentence), I tried to understand where she was coming from. To understand the obvious hurt and anger she still held onto but it became harder to sympathize. Ultimately, it wasn’t until she left my life on a bad note and I had the realization that she was probably doing the same thing to me that I fully recognized how messed up it was. 

Switching gears: a couple months back, I had an ex text me saying that he knew ‘I probably hated him’ for whatever reason. I had passed him while I was walking to a meeting and honestly didn’t even recognize that it was him until it was far too late, so apparently he thought that would be a good follow up text to send. 

But (probably his intention) that text stopped me in my tracks for a minute. At first I was like okay, maybe he just wants attention and an ego boost like maybe he’s just testing the waters to see if he could come back if he wanted to. But then I thought what if he actually thinks I hate him? I hadn’t even seen him or heard from him in months but what if he genuinely thought I had been harboring all this anger and hatred for him? 

Here’s the thing when it comes to that situation: at the end of the day, my ex was nothing more or less than a boy who simply didn’t want to be with me which led him to make choices that resulted in consequences. Him not wanting to be with me doesn't make him a bad person. It's not a reason for me to hold onto any type of anger for that situation, let alone enough anger for me to hate him. Why should that be the defining factor for the months and months we had previous to the point of separation which, for me at least, were full of happiness and love? 

Sometimes the choices we make have consequences, like the end of a relationship and/or friendship, but that shouldn’t equal hatred for what something was in its entirety. 

I tell these stories because I think that it’s so easy to become and stay angry when we function from an ego based self. Someone hurts us and that’s that. They become this name underlined in red for the rest of our lives with no possible hope of redemption. We then live our lives remembering to hold onto this anger we have for them, constantly reminding ourselves of the hurt we’ve been through, continuing to live in it. 

Here’s a secret: your ego is not your friend. Yes, it’s there to protect you. Someone hurt you and it signals a warning not to tread near them again, but it doesn’t know what you intuitively know. A person is not defined by one single action. A person is so much more than that. And to be completely honest, when they made the decision that hurt you they probably weren’t even thinking about you or how you would feel. That would mean that you’re playing a far bigger role in their experience than you actually are (but read The Four Agreements for more on that subject).

Speaking from my experience, it feels so good to just forgive someone and let the past be the past. It feels so liberating not to hold onto anger and just be nothing but completely present in living life. Like I said before, sometimes actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences are the removal of your relationship with them but let that be punishment enough. There is no need to be petty or seek revenge or hold onto any ill feelings. Odds are if you’re reading this you’re probably a really cool person and they’re gonna be super upset with themselves for putting themselves in a position that resulted in losing you. 

When you hold onto anger that other person is not going to accept that emotion. I mean, why would you accept a negative emotion? So that means you’re left with it. It grows and grows until it’s all consuming and is popping up in other facets of your life that have absolutely nothing to do with it. So be the bigger person. Wish them the best and just move on. There are far brighter things ahead of you anyway. 

Love,
A. xx