March: New Music

Ariana Grande:

break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored

in my head (actual story of my life like Ari you been reading my journal?)

NASA

fake smile

benny blanco, Selena Gomez, J Balvin, Tainy

I Can't Get Enough

Billie Eilish

bury a friend

Jonas Brothers

Sucker

Phantogram

You Don't Get Me High Anymore

Zara Larsson 

She's Not Me, Pt. 1 & 2

Love, 

A.

Letting Go Of Anger

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” I’m not sure who said this or if it’s even a legitimate quote with an origin… but I do know that it’s something that many need to remember when it comes to interactions with other people.

I often wonder why it’s so easy to be angry with someone. I wonder why it’s easier to place the blame and write them off in our minds. Close the door and lock it, never to see them again. They make one mistake and then that’s it. It’s over and done. Every redeeming quality about them thrown out and paid no attention to. To me, that says more about the society that we live in than the individual.  

Once upon a time, I had a friend who would look up this one girl on social media with the sole intention of making fun of what she had going on in her life. It was a difficult situation, they had been friends for a super long time and it had ended roughly. Obviously my friend at the time didn’t take the ending too well. When the girl blocked her on her personal account she started making fake ones, all with the sole purpose to be able to keep tabs on her. 

I would get screen shots at random points making fun of Instagram pictures and captions. Snarky remarks at lifetime achievements or posts on Tumblr. At first I would laugh with her. The girl and I were never really friends, but we did have some rough patches so I would be like, ‘What the heck… I’ll join in on the laughter’. 

Why I Deleted (most of) My Social Medias

A couple days ago (maybe a couple weeks ago depending on when this gets around to being posted) I made the decision to delete my Facebook and Twitter accounts. The only account I kept was Instagram since that’s the platform I get all my astrology information on (lol) as well as I just really enjoy photography. Other than that I'm off the grid. I always thought people without socials were weird. Like, everyone’s on social media why do you have to be different? But at the start of 2019 I really debated what kind of life I wanted to lead. And it came to my attention that social media might be a major player for some lingering unhappiness in my life.

I think it’s safe to say that socials are a completely different thing than they were 10 years ago. When I first joined most of them I was literally in 6^thgrade. I was always the kid that wanted all the different accounts. Like really, there was no point in having them but I wanted them. To be honest I might’ve been in 4^thor 5^thgrade when I signed up for Myspace, which was my very first social account (and honestly that account still might be somewhere because I don’t think I ever deleted?). And thinking back it’s like—what is the point of that?

Facebook was mostly used for keeping up with my older sister who was away at college. It was for posting about ‘top friends’ from school and used for letting the world know you were going to be at the mall if anyone wanted to hang out.

When I signed up for Twitter it was to follow all my favorite Disney Channel stars and Taylor Swift. I think I followed one actual friend for a solid two years. I signed up for Tumblr at the very beginning of it but really had no idea how to use it until I went to college. 

But ten years has changed a lot. For starters, Facebook is now filled with posts made for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of other users. What I don't understand about this is why people think reposting offensive articles is going to help them get their point across? I also don't understand why people think it's necessary to start arguments in the comments with people they have never met. It's just a lot of negativity that is not bringing forth positive change. Not to mention Facebook is one of the largest holders of ‘fake news' articles that are written in complete satire. But the everyday user isn’t aware of that or even has the mind to check if what they're sharing is real and consequently reposts jokes as real news, which annoys me to an insane degree.

Twitter is now filled with ‘cancel culture’ which I find extremely offensive and dangerous to mental health. This is also the one that I am extremely confused by to tell the truth. I remember when social media first came out and cyber bullying was such a hot topic. People were so quick to call someone out for bringing negativity into an online space. Now, they're applauded for it by favorites and retweets. It doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I was always raised with the morals of fighting negativity with more negativity isn't going to fix anything. Actually, Martin Luther King Jr. had a great quote for this, "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."

Personal problems I was having with social media was that it was low-key messing with my mental health and daily routine. I would always be on it. Like always. Mostly to fill my boredom but also for the reasons that all of us know about but don’t really talk about too much.

I tell people that I’m a Scorpio mind that’s been trained with Journalism skills. Meaning I have the skills and drive to find out everything about everyone that is in my life past, present, even potentially future. Like, that gaming video you made with your friends and posted on YouTube when you were in middle school – seen it. That award you got for playing in that hockey tournament freshman year of high school – good job dude, proud of you. 

But there is a lot of negative things about finding information out about people through social media. #1 being that everything someone posts about themselves is tailored specifically to what they want you to see. So honestly, what you’re seeing and learning isn’t even the true person or an accurate reflection of whats going on in their life. It’s always someone’s highlight real. 

Which brings me to #2 which is you will probably see something that will hurt you. Mostly because you don't have the means to understand it. When it comes to manifesting good things into your life you need to be on a vibration that is already way, way up. Social media is the quickest way to sabotage that.

2019 is going to be a beautiful year. More than anything I want to lead a life that makes me so happy I forget to check my phone. There's a freedom in living in the moment and for only you without the pressure to post online.

There are plenty of news apps to keep up with what’s going on in the world without the opinions and negativity. Family members and people that you’re friends with on socials should have your number. If people care about you, they’ll reach out.

To be honest the only things I'll miss are the memes and tweeting song lyrics in real time (lol for sure my friends on twitter will not miss me doing that sorry not sorry) but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for happiness. I got to the point where I couldn’t remember what my life was like before I spent the majority of the day glued to my phone looking through different feeds. And that doesn’t really seem like a fulfilled life does it?

Love,
A.

January 2019: New Music Monday

This was something that I used to do every month before my little hiatus. I literally love music so much and honestly it's such a tool to put you in a great mood. I'm not sure if every song on here will put you in a 'good' mood per se but sometimes moody music is what we need to heal (see my entire feel it playlist on Spotify which was made for the sole purpose of having music to cry to).

If you click the category link on the right that says music you'll get directed to all my past posts like this.

Here's some songs that I've been obsessed with lately:

Wow. - Post Malone (tbh my fav Post song which is saying a lot bc literally adore him)

Lost in the Fire - Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd

White Noise - Ella Vos

my boy, &burn (with Vince Staples), you should see me in a crown - Billie Eilish

Be My Mistake - The 1975 (Matty Healy's lyrics kill me)

Coffee - Miguel 

Love, 

A. 

About Your Shadow Self

Okay this is going to be a super Scorpio thing to say but I have a deep fascination with the darker side of humanity. 

I don’t mean what causes people to go all Jeffrey Dahmer (although maybe his Shadow Self did take over). But I mean, what is someone’s darkest desires and motivations? What is that thought or instinct that they would rather die than let anyone know? 

So when I first came across the term Shadow Self in my self discovery journey (ugh I love that it sounds like a Marvel character) you best bet I started researching the hell out of it. Literally any video I could watch or any novel I could get my hands on, I consumed it. 

The Shadow Self goes deeper than the dark traits you can name off the top of your head and talk about with another human. When we’re being integrated into society as children we take every piece of information given and put it into two boxes. Either something that is socially acceptable and therefore should be integrated into our personality or something that should be rejected and tamed. If it’s something that’s being rejected we tuck it away, telling ourselves it doesn’t belong in our conscious state. But it’s not like there's a delete button for your traits - it's still a part of you, it’s still facets of your personality. So then it hibernates, silently, in the back of the mind. Growing a little more every you reject more pieces of yourself that don’t line up with society's morals. 

Astrology // Scorpio & Virgo

The relationship between Scorpio and Virgo is one that genuinely really interests me. Upon first glace there really isn’t too much common ground between them. The architype of Scorpio is one of intense mystery and sexual passion. Virgo on the other hand has the nickname of the Virgin, possessing more practical and analytical traits. So how are these two signs, which are super opposite from the outside actually so similar? 

Breaking it down, here's more information. Scorpio is a fixed water sign, ruled by Mars and Pluto - meaning this sign is extremely stubborn, emotional and filled with underlining passion. Virgo is a mutable earth sign, with the ruling planet of Mercury - meaning they're grounded and thrive in more communication and analytical situations. Even more opposite to the outside viewer.

You may or may not know this, but in ancient astrology Scorpio and Virgo used to be the same sign. There's even a hint at this in their glyph symbols. Both have the same 'M' base but Scorpio's tale is an erect arrow hinting at the sexual nature and transfer of energy outward. Virgo's tale is folded in - symbolizing purity and introspection. Two sides of the same coin. There's even further proof of this equality by the sign of Libra which lives between the two to literally equal them out. 

       

Virgo, Libra and Scorpio Glyphs

How to Get Into Alignment

So for me, a lot of the disconnect I experienced in 2018 that resulted in my depression was because I wasn’t aligned with my true self. I find myself wondering a lot if I was aligned previous to the triggering situations but I can never determine a clear answer. To be honest, I don’t think I was. But there was a little bit of time near the end of 2017 when I really believe that I was in alignment, which is why when I fell in 2018 I fell hard.

When I happened across LOA and by extension the teachings of Abraham and Esther Hicks I realized that what had happened was yes, I was aligned… but it was so situational that it was extremely easy to lose. So when I inevitably did lose it, I lost myself as well. Which also makes sense as to why I was so drawn to watch the I Knew You Were Trouble music video so many times but I digress… 

So the reason why we fall into a depression or even just a bit of unhappiness is because we know we should be aligned with this version of ourselves that feels so good to be. We know it exists because we’ve felt it. The version of ourselves that’s happy and shines and radiates nothing but love. When there’s a disconnect we’re desperate to get it back, which by LOA makes it even more difficult to obtain because we’re then so focused on the lack of something. 

When I was looking up ways to get back into Alignment last summer I started readjusting my routine to break my obsessive thoughts and become the best version of myself I could possibly be.

Practice Self-Love

When I say practice self-love, I mean practice it in a way that you have never practiced it before. Like honestly, fall head over heels in love with yourself. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you were giving your partner all of you with no questions asked; all the patience, love, and guidance they needed at any time of the day they needed it—use that approach to how you’re going to be with yourself. 

Relationships

Relationships are always a complicated thing. But they shouldn’t be. In a perfect world, no relationship would ever be complicated. Everything would be an exchange of positive energy for positive energy leaving both people feeling even more fulfilled and happy then they previously were. But it doesn’t always work like that. People are complicated. Emotions are complicated. Which makes relationships complicated.

I’ve started to define my relationships in a new way and it’s really helped me set boundaries for myself and the people in my life. Senses of self-worth and happiness are things that I’ve become extremely protective of. And honestly, if you’re not exchanging positivity for positivity then you’re not getting close to me. That’s that. 

There’s two pieces of every relationship that I’ve started to seriously consider when analyzing whether or not a person should be invested in. Part one is energy and part two is how they relate to the relationship I have with myself. 

This post is going to focus more on platonic and/or family relationships although it can be related to romantic if that’s how it resonates with you. 

You know, it’s a scientific fact that everything is made up of energy. Like, everything. The sky, the ground, the world, the universe—it’s all energy. Even your own heart and thoughts, yes the thoughts that you have in your head, give off an energetic frequency that can be physically measured. That’s why meditation practices and yoga are so beneficial because they change the type of frequencies you give off but anywaaaaay

The way I see it, we all have an energy bubble surrounding us that we give off. I mean, come on it’s a fact that we’re drawn to people that just have that look about them. You know what I’m talking about. They just have those positive vibes and make the world seem a like a brighter place. How many times have you been talking to someone and they just have that glow and you’re left with the impression that you need more? 

The truth is, when we’re aligned with our true self then it’s so positive it’s attracting everything positive back to us. Including positive people and relationships that challenge us to become and grow into the best person we can be. When we’re stuck in our own limiting beliefs or negative self-talk it has that same effect but instead of positive things attracting to us we attract more bad. Consequently, we attract people into our lives that are reaffirming those negative thoughts in our own head causing us to be stuck in a cycle that's nearly impossible to get out of. 

Happiness

I'm gonna start this post by stating that I really don't like the song Happier by Bastille. There's no reason for my dislike of this song other than the fact that it was stuck in my head for the entire duration of me writing and editing this post. So that's all.

Moving on...

Here’s a question that I’ve found myself thinking about for the last couple of years: What does it mean to be happy? 

Here are some other questions that normally follow. 

What makes me happy? Who makes me happy? Who’s job is it to make me happy? Is it my best friends duty? Is it my boyfriends? My family? If I only find happiness when I’m around a select few, is that even real happiness? Is it selfish of me to want others to value my own happiness when they make a decision? Does that mean I don’t value my own happiness, since I’m pushing that job onto someone else? Do I make myself happy? Is there a difference between sober happiness and the happiness that comes when my mind is clouded by whichever substance? Which is real? Or are they both real? Is genuine, prolonged happiness even something that’s obtainable? Will I forever be stuck in quick moments of happiness—thinking back on them when I’m going through the longer moments of mediocrity?

The funny thing is, I sincerely do not know the answers to any of those questions which is probably why I find them going round and round in my head so often. But I guess despite that, despite all the uncertainty… for some reason I’ve truly never been happier in my life than I am right now. 

The Law of Attraction: My First Manifestation Story

I stumbled—literally stumbled—across this concept called the Law of Attraction last May. I’m an avid YouTube watcher and have been for quite some time. When I was in the midst of my depressive state, I was watching a lot of YouTube and this is how I found it. 

It came in a suggested video and I think the title was How to Become Detached and Get Everything You Want or something like that. It peaked my interest right away. I mean, how could it not with a title and promise like that? Well little did I know that this would be the introduction to LoA. And that concept was what would kick-start my process in gaining control of my life again. 

So what is the Law of Attraction? 

Quite simply, the Law of Attraction is the belief that by merely focusing your mind on positive or negative thoughts you will attract those things and things similar to it into your physical existence. A more exciting and romantic way to paraphrase it is this: You can manifest whatever you desire into your physical existence strictly by your thoughts.

The easiest way I like to explain this to people is to think of a time when you just had a really rough morning. Like, you woke up and realized that you never set your alarm and you were running late—your hair wasn’t laying right, you got toothpaste on your black shirt, whatever could go wrong was going wrong and you thought to yourself, “I guess it’s gonna be one of those days isn’t it?” 

So you get in your car and drive to work or school or wherever. Traffic is horrible, they’re playing that one song on the radio that you really just can’t stand, you’re so late to where you’re trying to go and it’s just spiraling and spiraling. 

Here’s what happened: you focused on a negative thought, first thing in the morning and so consequently more negative things found their way into your existence. 

This is the Law of Attraction. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow—I know. We’re conditioned from such a young age that what we want in life must be worked for and earned. We’re never told that we can simply manifest it into existence through our own energy and thoughts. 

I’m assuming that if you’ve never heard of LoA before you’re probably like what is this crazy person talking about. I was apprehensive at first too, but I was also really, really curious. So me, being the (semi)sane minded person that I am was like alright if this is real then I’m going to test this out. I mean, manifesting whatever I want into my life? It sounds like a good deal. So the first question I had as I got my feet wet in this concept was this: Can you manifest specific people into your existence? (Answer: yes, yes you can)

Some background: I was in a situation with a specific person where we were not talking at all, I hadn’t even seen them in months and to me that seemed like a good place to test this out. I picked this person for two reasons: the first being that I was just really attached to them and was actually just really curious to see what would happen if they came back into my life, or even if our paths just crossed again for a moment. The second reason was that I knew there wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell that either of us would reach out to the other so it didn’t seem like this would harm the situation even more to try. 

My Depression Story

So it’s been a long while since I’ve written on here and to be honest there was a point where I thought that I wouldn’t really write again. My life seemed to be moving in a different direction than keeping up a fashion blog and I was okay with that. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still love following and being inspired by fashion and the creative aspects of it but keeping up a blog, for me, started to stem on the side of narcissism and I wasn’t willing to try to keep up with it anymore.

More so, major changes were happening within myself which made it extremely difficult to participate in the majority of things I previously enjoyed doing. 

Sooo we’re going to deep dive in this post (hopefully without oversharing because my Scorpio side is actually cringing rn at letting people know what’s actually going on in my head). Recently, I came to the conclusion that even though I don’t want to keep up a fashion blog, I still have something to say. And if what I say can help at least one person then it’s worth saying. 

To be honest, depression really wasn’t a word that was in my vocabulary before this year. I have never been a person with their head in the sand about mental illness and the effects it can have on a person’s life. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. Many of the people that surround me have had some sort of experience with it and I’ve always been an advocate for the positive effects of working through what you’re feeling instead of being in denial about it in an attempt to put a Band-Aid over it so to speak.