So it’s been a long while since I’ve written on here and to be honest there was a point where I thought that I wouldn’t really write again. My life seemed to be moving in a different direction than keeping up a fashion blog and I was okay with that.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love following and being inspired by fashion and the creative aspects of it but keeping up a blog, for me, started to stem on the side of narcissism and I wasn’t willing to try to keep up with it anymore.
More so, major changes were happening within myself which made it extremely difficult to participate in the majority of things I previously enjoyed doing.
Sooo we’re going to deep dive in this post (hopefully without oversharing because my Scorpio side is actually cringing rn at letting people know what’s actually going on in my head). Recently, I came to the conclusion that even though I don’t want to keep up a fashion blog, I still have something to say. And if what I say can help at least one person then it’s worth saying.
To be honest, depression really wasn’t a word that was in my vocabulary before this year. I have never been a person with their head in the sand about mental illness and the effects it can have on a person’s life. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. Many of the people that surround me have had some sort of experience with it and I’ve always been an advocate for the positive effects of working through what you’re feeling instead of being in denial about it in an attempt to put a Band-Aid over it so to speak.
For nearly my entire life I’ve been more than equipped to be a support system to those people. But also for nearly my entire life I’ve thought that I was untouchable by that specific mental health problem. It was so naïve of me, but I sincerely thought this. I wasn’t the type of person to drop down a hole like that. I was always the happy, go-with-the-flow, optimistic person. Easy to make laugh, eager to make other people laugh and quick to find the joy in any situation.
Until I wasn’t.
At the end of January 2018 I started spiraling into what I now recognize as a case of situational depression. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. All I knew was that I wasn’t okay and I didn’t think I was going to be okay again.
The hard thing about trying to articulate what you feel when you’re depressed is that you actually can’t. I know because I’ve tried and I always come up short. There are no words I can use to communicate the misery, hurt and loneliness I felt and continued to feel for months.
Getting up every morning was a struggle. Falling asleep at night was an even bigger one. And even when I managed it, staying asleep was a challenge. Dreams became nightmares and it was a nightly occurrence. I started working out every day with the goal to exhaust my body to such a level that sleep came fast and was dreamless.
The worst was eating. I was never hungry and even when I was, just the thought of making food seemed exhausting to me. In a span of two weeks I dropped fifteen pounds. By the end of February it was closer to thirty. It got to the point where I would literally only eat Chipotle because I convinced myself that there was enough calories in it that I wouldn’t have to worry about other meals throughout the day.
I was always crying. Crying in general is really rare for me because like I said before, I was never the person to get so trapped in their feelings like that. But it was happening every day. I went to sleep crying, I woke up crying. I would be having normal conversations with someone when I would suddenly be fighting to keep control of my emotions. The worst was going to work because of how much interaction it required from me. I would literally be triggered by the smallest things and then spiral so fast I couldn’t even tell you what set it off.
I felt like I was a walking, talking, zombie most days. Just following the same routine, trying to make it through the semester. Luckily the fear of failing out kept me going to my classes but I was so exhausted. I actually had a professor who would ask me at least once a week if I was sick or if I was feeling alright.
But, I've learned, the biggest side effect of depression is the loss of friendships. And no one really talks about that. In the last year I’ve actually lost or pushed away nearly all of my closest friends. I say almost because there are a handful that have stuck around and I am so, so, so thankful and grateful for them beyond any words that I can say. But even so, it doesn’t make the loss of the others hurt any less.
I could honestly do a whole post about friendships and depression. Relationships, in general, are usually complicated. Mix that with depression and the word complicated looks like child’s play.
This journey has taken up almost my entire 2018. I can confidently say I am no longer depressed and I probably 'woke' myself up from it around the beginning of August, but it’s still a journey. There are moments when a flash of something comes into my head and it brings a reminiscence of a feeling, but it’s like I can control it now. I have power over my thoughts and know how to not spiral.
And if it’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s that thoughts have so much power to shape your reality.
So I guess this entire story is an introduction to the new direction I want to take this cyber space. No longer a fashion blog, but something more. A place where I can share the journey I started and continue to have every day. A place where I can share with anyone who wants to listen, what I've learned.
I really just feel like this knowledge that I’ve found is something that everyone deserves to know and benefit from. Because honestly, I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through this year on my worst enemy and if my story and thoughts can be of assistance to one person then that’s more than enough for me.
And if nothing, this process is therapeutic for my own self. I've had a lot of self discovery through different physical, metaphysical and spiritual aspects in the last year and I hope that documenting what's happening in the right-now will be a continuation of that.
So this is where I am and where I'm going to take this. And honestly, I'm more than confident that this journey is only going to get more beautiful from here on out.
Love,
A.
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